New dean

Listening to the commencement address by the new dean, Professor Papp turned to a woman sitting beside him.

“Can you believe that the trustees named someone so ugly to be our new dean?”

Stiffening, the woman said, “I beg your pardon, but do you know who I am?”

Turning to study her, the professor replied, “Can’t say I do.”

“I’ll have you know that I am that ugly man’s wife!”

Drawing himself erect, the professor shot back, “And do you know who I am?”

“I haven’t had the pleasure,” she said icily.

“Good,” he replied, “then my job’s still safe.”


A University of Georgia student was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line, “Where does you go to school?” The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, but did answer his question. “Yale,” she replied. The Georgia student took a big, deep breath and shouted, “WHERE DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL?”

Psychology class

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, “How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?”

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, “A basketball coach?”

Public school teacher

At New York’s Kennedy airport today an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a square, a slide rule, and a calculator.

The Attorney General believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

“Al-gebra is a very fearsome cult, indeed”, the Attorney General said. “They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on a tangent in a search of absolute value. They consist of quite shadowy figures, with names like “x” and “y”, and, although they are frequently referred to as “unknowns”, we know they really belong to a common denominator and are part of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

“As the great Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are three sides to every triangle.” When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, “If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.”



Upon entering a laboratory, you see an experiment. How do you know which
class it belongs to?


If it’s green and wiggles, it’s biology.

If it stinks, it’s chemistry.

If it doesn’t work, it’s physics.

Grading Techniques

Here is a list of the ways professors grade their final exams:

All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.

Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.

All students get the same grade they got last year.

What is a grade?

Grades are variable.

If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.

Random number generator determines grade.

Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and – would be sharp and flat respectively).

Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.

The Homework Schedule

Here is an explanation of the school homework policy for the average student. Students should not spend more than ninety minutes per night. This time should be budgeted in the following manner if the student desires to achieve moderate to good grades in his/her classes.

15 minutes looking for assignment.

11 minutes calling a friend for the assignment.

23 minutes explaining why the teacher is mean and just does not like children.

8 minutes in the bathroom.

10 minutes getting a snack.

7 minutes checking the TV Guide.

6 minutes telling parents that the teacher never explained the assignment.

10 minutes sitting at the kitchen table waiting for Mom or Dad to do the assignment

The Top Ten Lies Told by Graduate Students

10. It doesn’t bother me at all that my college roommate is making $80,000 a year on Wall Street.

9. I’d be delighted to proofread your book/chapter/article.

8. My work has a lot of practical importance.

7. I wouldn’t never date an undergraduate.

6. Your latest article was so inspiring.

5. I turned down a lot of great job offers to come here.

4. I just have on more book to read and then I’ll start writing.

3. The department is giving me so much support.

2. My job prospects look really good.

1. No really, I’ll be out of here in only two more years

You know you’re in college when

  1. High school started before 8am, but now anything before noon is considered “early”.
  2. You have more beer than food in your fridge.
  3. Weekends start on Thursday.
  4. 6am is when you go to sleep, not when you wake up.
  5. You know many different ways to cook ramen noodles or macaroni and cheese.
  6. The health center gives out free condoms, and people take them… just in case.
  7. Instead of falling asleep in class, you stay in bed.
  8. You know how late McDonald’s, Taco Bell, Qdoba, etc. are open.
  9. You think it’s the weekend on a Wednesday and you don’t know what month it is.
  10. You can’t remember the last time you washed your car.
  11. Your underwear/sock supply dictates your laundry schedule.
  12. You check Facebook more than once a day.
  13. You get drunk dialed on any night of the week.
  14. You wash dishes in the bathroom sink.
  15. You’ve fallen off a loft bed.
  16. You talk about beer pong like it’s a sport.
  17. Finding random people in your house is perfectly normal, and you even sympathize with them… sometimes when you wake up you have no idea where you are.
  18. Your primary news sources are the Daily Show and the Colbert Report.
  19. You open a beer at 10 am and your roommate asks you if there’s more.
  20. The standard of meals per day falls to two, sometimes just one.
  21. Your trash is overflowing and your bank account isn’t.
  22. You go to Target or Wal-Mart more than 3 times a week.
  23. You wear the same jeans for 13 days without washing them.
  24. Your breakfast consists of a coke or cereal bar on the way to class… anything with caffeine will do.
  25. Quarters are like gold.
  26. Your idea of feeding the poor is buying yourself some ramen noodles.
  27. You live in a house with three couches, none of which match.
  28. You try to study but seem to procrastinate by eating, going to study breaks, talking to people, etc…
  29. You talk to your roommate on instant messenger when you’re both home.
  30. You ask people what YOU did last night.
  31. Certain things are now deemed “Facebook worthy.” When friends take pictures of you, you wonder how long it will take them to post them.
  32. You’ve seen a hit and run involving a bicyclist/pedestrian.
  33. You see people you know you’ve met but can never remember their names or how you know them.
  34. You sleep more in class than in your room
  35. Your idea of a square meal is a box of Pop-Tarts.
  36. You’ve traveled with bags of dirty clothes.
  37. You go home to do your laundry because you’re too poor to pay the $2… or too lazy to go to a change machine.
  38. You pay $100 for a book you don’t read once, return it four months later, and get $7.
  39. More than 20% of your household furnishings are made from milk crates.
  40. You recognize the meat in the dorm soup as yesterday’s meatloaf, and thus decide to eat a nice bowl of cereal – a safe bet for any meal.
  41. You use words like “thus” (see #40).
  42. You throw out bowls and plates because you don’t feel like washing them.
  43. Your beer pong table is nicer than all your other tables.
  44. It takes preparation… and 3 people… to take out your garbage.
  45. Going to the library is a social event.
  46. You wear flip flops in the shower your freshman year… you know why.
  47. You start joining clubs because of the free food.
  48. Visits home depend on how much money you have for gas.
  49. You skip one class to write a paper for another.
  50. You have no idea where your tuition money is going… technology fees? I think not.
  51. Bicycles don’t seem as lame as they did in high school.
  52. You stay up late to finish homework then sleep through the class in which it was due.
  53. Girls: You’ve balanced your foot on a shampoo bottle to shave.
  54. Your backpack is giving you scoliosis.
  55. You’ve written a check for 45 cents or stopped to get $2.00 of gas.
  56. Your bill in the bookstore will be comparable to tuition.
  57. Going to the mailbox becomes an ego booster/breaker.
  58. Most of your T.A.’s are foreign…what’s the deal?
  59. You never realized so many people are smarter than you.
  60. You never realized so many people are dumber than you.
  61. Western Europe could be wiped out by a terrible plague and you’d never know, but you can recite the last episode of your favorite show verbatim.
  62. Care packages rank right up there with birthdays.
  63. You craft ways to make any game into a drinking/stripping game.
  64. You meet the type of people you thought only existed in movies.
  65. Printers break down only when you desperately need them.
  66. Anything can be cooked in a microwave.
  67. Two words: bike cops.
  68. You have Safe Ride programmed into your phone.
  69. Old school Nintendo… and guitar hero… are pretty much the best things ever.
  70. Going to the grocery at midnight is completely normal.
  71. You call restaurants that deliver more than you call your own family.
  72. You’ve paid bills over $5… in coins.
  73. You can’t imagine life without your computer/cell phone/ i-pod.
  74. Hoodies and sweatpants become the norm – jeans are considered “dressy” at certain occasions… like school.
  75. A canceled class is almost as exciting as Christmas.
  76. Taking a nap in the library is perfectly acceptable.
  77. Your professors speak English… as a second language.
  78. Your teachers swear in class and no one cares.
  79. Candles in your dorm room are considered contraband, but cigarettes are ok.
  80. You take condiment packets and napkins from fast food restaurants – hey, they’re free.
  81. Betta fish are like your family.
  82. You bring back socks from the laundry room that may or may not be yours.
  83. You know what people carrying suspiciously heavy backpacks after dark are doing…
  84. The elevators take forever but you’ll wait 10 minutes just so you don’t have to climb stairs.
  85. Your roommate asks you to check the weather on your computer when they’re standing 5 feet away from the door.
  86. Showers become more of an issue.
  87. You press the automatic door opener instead of simply grabbing the handle when you approach a door.
  88. Christmas lights seem to be acceptable all year round.
  89. *89. Class size doubles on exam days.

  90. You donate plasma even though you know it’s pretty sketchy.
  91. You are no longer thankful that fire alarms are here to protect you.
  92. You’ve bought Christmas presents from the book store and charged it to your student account so your parents pay for the gifts because you’re too broke.
  93. You begin to include ketchup on your list of acceptable vegetables.
  94. You stay on campus for hours in between classes when it’s too cold to walk home.
  95. People have to help you kick the vending machine just so you can get your 50 cent bag of chips.
  96. There’s always a “question kid” in at least one of your classes, and you really wish someone would just tell him/her to shut the hell up.
  97. You steal dishes from the cafeteria so you don’t have to wash your own.
  98. Laundry is an all-day event.
  99. You no longer find it uncool to take naps. In fact, you quite enjoy them.
  100. It’s illegal to drink in the dorms yet they sell an assortment of shot glasses, beer mugs, tankards, etc. in the bookstore.
  101. You find your list of acceptable napping places expanding daily to increasingly uncomfortable locations.
  102. You fill out credit card applications for the free food.
  103. You’ve eaten cereal out of a cup… with a fork.
  104. Dressing up for Halloween becomes cool again.
  105. You know at least one person who has dropped his/her cell phone into a toilet.
  106. You hang multiple shirts on the same hanger to save space/money.
  107. You become increasingly annoyed with the “old” people in class – props to them for going back to college but they generally ask really, really annoying questions.
  108. You admire people’s alcohol bottle shrines.
  109. You set your clock 5-10 minutes ahead so you can potentially make it to class on time.
  110. You check (or something of the like) before choosing your class schedule.
  111. You text faster than you type.
  112. You only find out a class is cancelled after you get there and sit for about ten minutes.
  113. You actually start using coupons, especially those school coupon books.
  114. You open canned food and eat it… out of the can.
  115. You run out of black ink and, instead of buying a new ink cartridge, decide blue is a nice substitute… adds a little flair.
  116. You have numbers in your phone with labels like “Sketchy Steve” and “Alcohol Guy.”
  117. The food in your fridge may or may not be older than your little brother.
  118. You finish reading this and wonder how you can procrastinate next.