Adopted son

The backwoods couple was delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called adn told them they had a wonderful Japanese boy, and the couple took him without hesitation. On the way back home, they stopped by the local college to enroll in night courses.

After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, “May I ask you a question? What ever possessed you to study Japanese?”

The backwoodsman said proudly, “In a year or so, our adopted son will start to talk. We want to be able to understand him.”

Are you choking?

Out to lunch one day, the immigrants were having a fine time until Hymie began to gag.

“I think I svallowed a bone,” Hymie gasped.

“Hymie,” said Miklos, “are you choking?”

“No, I am serious!”


When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed. “Good heavens,” he said, “what is this?” “Why, it’s bean soup,” she replied. “I don’t care what it has been,” he sputtered. “What is it now?”

8 Ways to be annoying in Australia

  1. Point at someone with your index finger.
  2. Yawn without covering your mouth.
  3. Or excusing yourself.
  4. Blow your nose in public.
  5. Make the peace sign.
  6. Wink at women.
  7. Touch someone while talking to them.
  8. Walk between two talking people.

Leroy’s homework assignment

Leroy is given a homework assignment. Still befuddled by the whole school thing, Leroy is a trooper. He was given another set of vocabulary words to use in sentences.

Here’s what he handed in:

HONOR ROLL – We was playin poker on the stoop the other day, man I was HONOROLL.
PLANET – I got me some seed to grow weed, so I PLANET in the backyard.
DISMAY – I went for a blood test, the doctor pulled out a big needle. He said, “DISMAY hurt a little.”
OMELETTE – Every time I start a new job, OMELETTE go after a week.
STAIRWAY – When me and my homies get high, we STAIRWAY into space.
MOBILE – I went to buy crack, I was short on cash, my man said, “Gimme one MOBILE.”
DEFENSE – I ran from the cops, and hopped DEFENSE and got away.
AFRO – I got so mad at my girly, AFRO a lamp at her.
AFTERMATH – I like to be high in school, so AFTERMATH I go to the field and smoke weed.
LOCKET – I slam the door so hard, I LOCKET.
DOMINEERING – My girly’s birthday was yesterday, I got her a DOMINEERING.
KENYA – I needed change fo the subway, so I axe a stranger KENYA spare some change.
DERANGE – DERANGE is where da deer and antelope play.
DATA – At my basketball game, I scored thirty points. My coach said, “DATA boy!”
COPULATE – I called 911 and an hour later when they show up, I said, “COPULATE!”
FASCINATE – My girly’s boobs are so big. Her shirt has ten buttons, she can only FASCINATE!
BEWARE – I asked the man at the unemployment office, “Is this BEWARE I get a job?”
COATROOM – The judge said, “One more outburst like that, and you’ll be thrown out the COATROOM.”
DECIDE – I like Wanda and Yolanda, but I like to have a couple of babes on DECIDE.

Canadian Driving

How to identify a Canadian driver:
1. – One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: MONTREAL
2. – One hand on wheel, one finger out window: TORONTO
3. – One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: OTTAWA
4. – Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: SASKATOON, but driving in TORONTO
5. – Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in the back seat: QUEBEC CITY
6. – One hand on 12 oz. double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: VANCOUVER
7. – One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the brake and both feet on the accelerator, throwing McDonald’s bag out the window: RED DEER
8. – Four wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on the floor, raccoon tails attached to the antenna: PRINCE GEORGE
9. – Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield driving 40 km/hr on Hwy 1 in the left lane with the left blinker on: VICTORIA
10. – One ski-doo mitt on steering wheel, one ski-doo mitt scrapper in hand out front window scrapping frost, Guess Who on 8 track playing Share The Land, hockey equipment smelling up car interior, waiting at lights for snow removal equipment to finish clearing intersection: WINNIPEG

A Russian Ride

Russian and American are talking over a drink. “When I am in a good mood I drive a car that is painted a light color,” says the American.  When I am busy or have a lot of troubles, I drive a darker colored car. And when I go for vacation overseas, I pick a brightly colored car.

“Things are much easier in Russia, “says the Russian.” If you are in a good mood, they will give you a ride in yellow car with a blue stripe. If you feel bad, the car will be white and the stripe red. I was abroad only once, and there I drove a tank.

Redneck Couple

Billy-Bob and Peggy-Sue got married and had a baby every year or less. After having their 11th child, the couple told the doctor that they were going to stop having babies as soon as they could figure out what was causing them. The doctor suggested to Billy-Bob that he try covering the organ before they made love.

Sure enough, it wasn’t long before Peggy-Sue was pregnant again. The doctor asked Billy-Bob if he had tried covering his organ like he had suggested they do.

Billy-Bob replied, “We don’t have an organ, Doc, but I did throw a blanket over the piano.”

Martha Stewart’s Rules for Rednecks


1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It’s considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.


1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to “bruise” the fruit of the vine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.


1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table…no matter how good his manners are.


1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)

1. Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you’re interested: “I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.”

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say “Monday.” If the latter is the answer, it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.


1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can’t hear you.


1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say “yes” to socks and shoes for this special occasion.


1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Eucalyptus Road

Sue Ellen passed away so Billy Bob called 911. The operator promised to send someone out immediately and asked him where he lived.

“Right at the end of Eucalyptus Road,” Billy Bob replied.

“Could you spell that for me please?” the operator asked.

After a very lengthy pause Billy Bob said, “How ’bout I just drag her on over to Pine Street and y’all can pick her up there?”