Male Language Patterns

“I can’t find it,” REALLY MEANS, “It didn’t fall into my
outstretched hands, so I’m completely clueless.”

“That’s women’s work,” REALLY MEANS, “It’s dirty, difficult and

“Will you marry me?” REALLY MEANS, “Both my roommates have moved
out, I can’t find the washer, and there is no more peanut

“It’s a guy thing,” REALLY MEANS, “There is no rational thought
pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of
making it logical.”

“Can I help with dinner?” REALLY MEANS, “Why isn’t it already on
the table?”

“It would take too long to explain,” REALLY MEANS, “I have no
idea how it works.”

“I’m getting more exercise lately,” REALLY MEANS, “The batteries
in the remote are dead.”

“We’re going to be late,” REALLY MEANS, “Now I have a legitimate
excuse to drive like a maniac.”

“Take a break, honey, you’re working too hard,” REALLY MEANS, “I
can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.”

“That’s interesting, dear,” REALLY MEANS, “Are you still

“Honey, we don’t need material things to prove our love,” REALLY
MEANS, “I forgot our anniversary again.”

“You expect too much of me,” REALLY MEANS, “You want me to stay

“It’s really a good movie,” REALLY MEANS, “It’s got guns, knives,
fast cars, and naked women.”

“You know how bad my memory is,” REALLY MEANS, “I remember the
words to the theme song of “F Troop”, the address of the first
girl I kissed, the Vehicle Identification Number of every car
I’ve ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.”

“I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses,” REALLY
MEANS, “The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe,
wearing a thong.”

“Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY
MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death
before I admit I’m hurt.”

“I do help around the house,” REALLY MEANS, “I once threw a dirty
towel near the laundry basket.”

“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure
hope I think of some pretty soon.”

“What did I do this time?” REALLY MEANS, “What did you catch me

“She’s one of the rabid feminists,” REALLY MEANS, “She refused to
make my coffee.”

“I heard you,” REALLY MEANS, “I haven’t the foggiest clue what
you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well
enough so that you don’t spend the next 3 days yelling at me.”

“You really look terrific in that outfit,” REALLY MEANS, “Please
don’t try on another outfit. I’m starving.”

“I brought you a present,” REALLY MEANS, “It was free ice scraper
night at the ball/hockey game.”

“I missed you,” REALLY MEANS, “I can’t find my sock drawer, the
kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper.”

“I’m not lost. I know exactly where we are,” REALLY MEANS, “No
one will ever see us alive again.”

“This relationship is getting too serious,” REALLY MEANS, “I like
you as much as I like my truck.”

“We share the housework,” REALLY MEANS, “I make the messes. She
cleans them up.”

“I don’t need to read the instructions,” REALLY MEANS, “I am
perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help.”

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