During all police investigations it will be necessary to
visit a strip club at least once.
All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in
a passing St. Patrick’s Day parade – at any time of the year.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach
up to the armpit level on a woman, but only to waist level
on the man lying beside her.
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick
of French Bread.
It’s easy for anyone to land a plane providing there
is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect
No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and
you can travel to any other part of the building you
want without difficulty.
You’re very likely to survive any battle in any war
unless you make the mistake of showing someone a
picture of your sweetheart back home.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer,
it will not be necessary to speak the language.
A German accent will do.
If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster
or killer beast, the mayor’s first concern will be the
tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious
beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be
thrown through it before long.
When paying for a taxi, don’t look at your wallet as you
take out a bill — just grab one at random and hand it over.
It will always be the exact fare.
Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature
from elsewhere in the universe.
Kitchens don’t have light switches. When entering a kitchen at
night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate
any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
Word processors never display a cursor on screen but
will always say: Enter Password Now.
Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective
— or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
A single match will be sufficient to light up a room
the size of RFK Stadium.
It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when
beginning or ending phone conversations.
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it
is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously
from left to right every few moments.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large
red readouts so you know exactly when they’re going to go off.
It is always possible to park directly outside the
building you are visiting.
If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone
you bump into will know all the steps.
Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the
communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight
involving martial arts — your enemies will wait patiently
to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening
manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
Police Departments give their officers personality tests
to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who
is their total opposite.
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak
English to each other.
You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip
in seconds — unless it’s the door to a burning building
with a child trapped inside.
An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will
cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.
TV news bulletins usually contain a story that affects
you personally at the precise moment you turn on the set.