Why married couples do not have sex

Dear Wife,
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

  • 54 times the sheets were just cleaned
  • 17 times it was too late
  • 49 times you were too tired
  • 20 times it was too hot
  • 15 times you pretended to be sleep
  • 22 times you had a headache
  • 17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
  • 16 times you said you were too sore
  • 12 times it was the wrong time of the month
  • 19 times you had to get up early
  • 9 times you said weren’t in the mood
  • 7 times you were sunburned
  • 6 times you were watching the late show
  • 5 times you didn’t want to mess up your new hairdo
  • 3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
  • 9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

  • 6 times you just laid there
  • 8 times you reminded me there’s a crack in the ceiling
  • 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
  • 7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
  • 1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move


Dear Husband,
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn’t get more than you did:

  • 5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
  • 36 times you did not come home at all
  • 21 times you didn’t come with energy
  • 33 times you came too soon
  • 19 times you went soft before you got in
  • 38 times you worked too late
  • 10 times you got cramps in your toes
  • 29 times you had to get up early to play golf
  • 2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
  • 4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
  • 3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
  • 2 times you had a splinter in your finger
  • 20 times you lost the motion after thinking about it all day
  • 6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
  • 98 times you were too busy watching TV

Of the times we did get together:

  • The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
  • I wasn’t talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, “Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?”
  • The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

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