Sex Calories

How much weight do we lose during sex? Diet literature explains calories burned while jogging, playing tennis or golfing, but similar information concerning sexual activity has, until now, been unavailable.

Yet, a survey of 206,000,000 people indicated that 96% devote more time and effort to sex than jogging, tennis, or golf, and we felt that the time was right for a new type of sex manual.


1 hr. intensive foreplay burns off: 1 slice (large) chocolate cake.

25 min. nonstop lovemaking burns off: 2 slices of pizza with cheese & mushrooms.

53 min. of kissing partner burns off: 1 cheeseburger with 14 french fries.

53 minutes kissing yourself burns off: Christmas turkey with all the trimmings.

PREPARING THE BEDROOM Includes setting the snooze alarm and dimming the lights: 42 (calories burned)

ADDITIONAL LAST MINUTE PREPARATIONS Hiding the sex manual: 3; Decanting the wine: 4; Without a corkscrew: 268

MAKING THE FIRST MOVE If you are shy: 15; If you are anxious: 43; If you beg: 100

SEDUCING THE PARTNER If you are rich (cash): 5; If you are rich (credit card): 15; If you are poor: 200

INITIAL BODY CONTACT Fumbling: 4; Casually rummaging around: 7; Seriously rummaging around: 42

REMOVING CLOTHES With partner’s consent: 12; Without partner’s consent: 187; Removing socks by violently shaking feet: 418

AROUSAL AND STIMULATION Blowing in partner’s ear: 15; Blowing in your own ear: 2,512

DISAPPOINTMENT (after seeing partner undressed) Partner looks better with clothes on: 10; Partner wears corrective underwear: 15; Partner turns out to be of wrong sex: 100; You don’t mind: 0.25; Partner wearing elevated socks: 50

DOING IT FOR THE FIRST TIME Fumbling around: 4; Desperately trying to put something somewhere: 18; Completely missing: 126

POSITIONS Italian (man on top; woman on bottom): 26; German (facing each other, but in different beds): 48; English (woman on top; man hiding): 15; American (both on top): 1,243

AFFLICTIONS Leg cramp: 36; Making believe you don’t have a leg cramp: 612; Sneezing (during intercourse): 7; Sneezing (during orgasm): 588

ASSORTED ACCIDENTS Toupee slips off (if your partner knew you wore one): 5; Toupee slips off (if partner didn’t know): 72; Extinguishing cigarette (in ashtray): 1; Extinguishing cigarette (in mattress): 17; Extinguishing cigarette (in partner’s leg): 133; Calling your partner the wrong name: 50

ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE Shoes flew off: 15; Expression didn’t change: 0.5; Room turned purple: 4; Face turned purple: 78; Earth moved: 30; If Earth actually moved: 1,234,588; Moaning in Turkish: 506

THINGS OFTEN SAID AFTER SEX “I am so grateful”: 15; “It must have been something we ate”: 15; “Was it good for you?”: 15; “Are you finished?”: 15

TRYING AGAIN If woman is ready: 5; If man is not: 563

ROLLING OVER AND GOING TO SLEEP After sex: 18; During sex: 546; While parking car: 212

SLEEP Real: 5; Faked (a good way to avoid sex-craved partner): 74

TAKING A BATH TOGETHER In a bath: 5; In a sink: 150; In a jacuzzi: 15,269

MAKING THE BED With partner still in it: 44 (indicates either a neatness obsession, a severe optic disorder, or a partner who is very tired). With you still in it: 97 (suggests extreme withdrawal and profound dissatisfaction)

KEEPING A JOURNAL Maintaining your own record of sexual activity will be helpful for keeping track of weight loss. You needn’t go into detail, just list the activity and the number of calories burned. A typical entry in a woman’s journal (for example) for a pleasant low-key sexual experience might read as follows:

December 1st: Sex with Harold:-

Explaining how: 12; Suggesting something different: 3; Calming terrified Harold: 40; Encouraging him to at least take off his socks: 8; Foreplay (a little of this; a little of that): 56; Intercourse (standing position): 22; Intercourse (holding Harold up): 10; Intercourse (urging him on): 5; Orgasm: not sure; Thanking Harold: 3; Waving bye-bye: 1; Total time: six minutes (taxi waiting); Total calories burned: 160

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