‘Twas the night before Christmas – AOL version

T’was a month before Christmas From my wife came the wail,
“Take out the garbage And go get the mail.”
So I trudged to my mailbox And what did I see?
Why, a miniature disc And computer CD!

‘Twas a limited offer From America Online,
I knew in a twinkling That this deal was fine!
“Unlimited” access for one little fee,
And if I didn’t like it I could cancel it free.

So I plugged the thing in And it just wouldn’t load,
The message said “Error!” And something in code.
And this is when I Started getting real nervous
So I waited four hours For “Customer Service.”

This techno-geek helped me To load and install it,
Then demanded the VISA I keep in my wallet.
So I gave him my number And what did I spy?
“Terms and Conditions” screens Whistling by.

Then I got me a password Now I’d surf the Net!
But I never hit waves, Man, I never got wet.
I soon got so mad I was shaking and dizzy
For my modem kept trying But lines were all busy!

And all through the month I kept trying this thing
But all I would hear Was the “busy” sound ring.
So I called 1-800 And the AOL number
And waited on hold ‘Til I lapsed into slumber.

So I tried then to cancel But where’s the address?
Somewhere in Virginia? It’s anyone’s guess.
And several days later I heard on the news
That 8 million people Were trying to use

This AOL network At the very same time
And that’s when this CEO Weasel-necked Slime
Announced the solution On how to log on,
Don’t hog the phone lines And call in at dawn!

As you can imagine This didn’t sit well
With lots of mad users Who started to yell.
And soon the AG’s Joined them in the attack,
“Give them their money (Or at least part of it back)!”

And this Weasle-Man leader Tried to calm down the throng:
“Hey, I wanted those refunds For you all along!”
So in grandiose fashion And a big press release
Members were told How to get back their piece.

“Just call up this number And ask for your money,”
But then something happened That’s practically funny.
When you call up the number (Don’t get in a tizzy)
You can’t get your refund Cause the damn number’s busy!!!

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